My diary by Gail Peck
by ashcruz
Summary: Ok so had this idea and thought I'd go with it! Gail's therapist has told her to start a diary as part of her therapy so here is Gail's thoughts and feelings on life and the people in it from her own mind! It will eventually get to Gail's romance with Holly so let's see how we go! Enjoy
1. Chapter 1

Dear diary!... Dear diary?! Oh god I've become one of those people! :-/ Anyhow, so yep I'm here doing this because according to my therapist it will help with the healing process!... Healing process?! I swear the woman thinks I've been round the world 15 times in 25 different outfits via conoe, hoovercraft, jet-ski, rollerblades, tricycle and pennyfarthing whilst singing nursery rhymes and classic Eminem all the time doing the Time Warp! (Bloody hell just read that back and nearly passed out)! Hmmmmm maybe I should put her forward for a session! I mean don't get me wrong I'm sure she is exceptional at her job and let's be honest she probably gets paid more then I will ever earn but seriously, doe's she need to ask me how I feel all the time?! How do you feel about this Gail? How do you feel about that Gail? I counted last Thurday and she asked me how I felt 10 times in 25mins! I had this urge to punch her in the face and then say: 'How do you feel about that'?! I am so glad I'm not paying for any of this! It's all completely pointless in my eyes but it's all part of the 'Healing process' as I keep being told and the 'only way' to get my mind 100% back on the job!

The job, well let's not even go there! I swear that I must of really annoyed someone in a previous life, or been the reason they came up with Superman and the Fantastic 4 because in this life I've been put in a group of the worst crime fighters like ever! I mean don't get me wrong they are an alright bunch (Did I really just say that)?! :-/... But sometimes I wish I could click my fingers and the five of them would vanish! (That would be the coolest superpower ever)

Ooooh Ooooh just for fun and because it will be 'Theraputic' Lets sum up 15's very own 'UnForceable 5'! (Don't mock the name, took me ages to come up with that)!

DOV: Hmmmmmmm, Dov is erm... soft! He's the new kid at school the bully lay's his eyes on the first day of term and automatically announces to anyone listening: 'Oh look easy money has arrived! I won't be paying for my lunch anytime soon'! Then as soon as the said bully makes his move, Dov turns out to be Danielson from the Karate Kid kicking everyones arse in self defence! I mean to be honest to look at Dov you'd think a small breeze would knock him over but he's got shit packed away in his back pocket for when the time arrives! (No I'm not talking about those pathetic Trivia Cards that I have been unable to steal and gain pleasure from ripping each one up individually into a million pieces)...Actually thats mean of me! It's not Dovs fault he's a geek and likes to know all things general knowledge, it just doesn't mean that I do! One day I'm sure he will get the message! I DON'T CARE WHY THE TOWER OF PIZA LEANS!...But if I had to sum Dov up in one word it would be: SPECIAL

TRACI: Ah now Traci is actually like superwoman, I mean like without actually being super! Juggling being a single mum and megacop! Traci gives off the whole 'I'm totally confident' vibe but there are a few cracks! I like Traci though, I must do cause I'm currently trying to set her up with my brother! Either I'm fed up with the two of them moaning about being single and no one loves them blah blah blah or I'm turning into Mother Theresa! :-/ Personally I think they both just need to get laid sooner rather than later and wallah good deed done for the year! But one thing Traci needs to stop doing because it is actually really fkn annoying and really beginning to do my head in...teaming up with my mother and agreeing with everything she does! (They're not actually teaming up in person to get me, but Traci is giving off the whole 'Hi Mrs Pack let me kiss your arse yes Gail needs to get a man)! I can find someone on my own! FACT!...So lets sum up Traci in one word shall we: UNIQUE

CHRIS: Ahhhhhhhh good old sweet Diaz, god I love this guy! :- D ...Oh woah calm down, put down the maracas and party poppers! :-\ Before you start planning the wedding NOT LIKE THAT! Me and Chris had a thing but it wasn't like an amazing special thing it was just like a... at that moment in time thing! Nothing special but it wasn't bad it was just a thing that involved occasional kissing and sex and erm... thats it really :-/ There was no love there at all! Well maybe from Chris but thats the kinda guy he is. Don't judge me! I just wasn't really in far enough. I wanted fun, we had fun! END OF! But Chris in general is a good guy, wears his heart on his sleeve! I mean he's been through alot poor bloke the whole Christian thing really rocked his world but I think he's getting there slowly. Me and Dov have to constantly play 'SUPER BUDDIES' to cheer him up and it works! Not normally the kind of thing I'd do tbh...you know caring about people and talking through their problems! I let Dov do all that, but it doe's involve a lot of alcohol and I'm always up for alcohol so really I think it's safe to say I win!...Chris in one word: CONSIDERATE

ANDY/NICK: Ok so your probably wondering why I've paired them up as one? Well two reasons! ONE: These days they always seem to be joint at the hip! I mean its sickening! I don't eat breakfast before work anymore because for 3 weeks straight as soon as I entered the building and saw them I had to make a beeline for the loo to chuck up! TWO: I've just wasted 3 mins writing about two people who don't deserve my time or words and tbh I don't really know why I'm still typing things about them! Let's be honest I couldn't give a flying fart what they do as long as they do it away from me!...Ok so I've just read that back and my god I sound like the crazy jealous ex girlfriend or something! :-/ Let's clear that up straight away! I'm not jealous in the slightest. Nick's a waste of space! You'd think I would of learnt my lesson first time round but oh no, I went back for more and guess what! History really does repeat itself so my fault for jumping the red light! And as for Andy well all I'm gonna say about her is GOOD LUCK! I'm sure one day she will actually meet a man and truly fall in love, cause if she really believes every guy she is with she loves then I think I'm gonna have to sign her up to so she can watch every Disney movie ever made! Poor girl needs help, but I'm happy to stand back and watch this nice little scenario she's created for herself explode just so I can LAUGH AT HER!...Andy and Nick: PATHETIC!

Hmmmmm wow I've just read back this lovely little page of words I have managed to type and WTF! I'm not really sure where my therapist gets her ideas from but if someone can tell me how this is theraputic please let me know cause tbh it all just makes me sound like a raving lunatic who has stalked these people and their lives just so I can insult them and slag them off! :-/...Actually on second thoughts I think maybe I'm gonna enjoy this! Maybe this is the way forward for me, maybe all this typing will help me out in some strange way or another! Hmmmmmm maybe tomorrow I could tell you all about my mother?! Oh diary me and you have so much to share, how on earth can you contain your excitement?! I know I can't :-/ Anyway I'm bored now, thats 35 mins of my life I am never getting back! As fun as its been I've run out of cheesepuffs! So till next time!...


	2. Chapter 2

Hello diary just me again! Well clearly its me or this would be totally pointless! Ok so it's been a week since my last entry, work and life and work etc! So let me fill you in on my amazing life from the past 7 days! Well work has been a bit up and down if I'm honest. Been some good days and some pretty boring days as well but lets go back to last Friday shall we cause I gotta say that was a very strange day to say the least. So it started off normally, Chris moaned at me because I overslept...again! I mean anyone would think that he has never missed his alarm in his life. Banging on my bedroom door as if the aliens from Independance Day were hoovering above us or something! Sometimes I think the guy really needs to chill out! Dov was Dov I guess...annoying and rambling on about life...well actually he rambled on about Chloe. I mean really he needs to breathe every now and again, it's just constant Chloe this and Chloe that and Chloe Chloe Chloe Chloe! Honestly I really don't care. She annoys the hell out of me and I don't really know why! I think its because she is so perfect I mean its just Blah. Constantly being happy and nice and friendly and well basically I'm waiting for the day we arrest an axe-murdered and she says to him 'Don't worry, it wasn't your fault, we all have bad days'! :-/ I just wanna slap her sometimes to shut her up! :-D The morning didn't go to bad, I got teamed up with Marlo. She's alright if a bit weird but then I can't complain, at least I wasn't stuck with McNally or Collins, then that really would of resulted in a possible murder. But anyhow we got this call to the woods. I mean I've never been called to the woods before, well not on a job anyway so I gotta admit I was rather excited by it. Turns out theres a dead guy in a puddle in the middle of the woods, I mean like how cool is that! Whats more he'd been there like 500 odd years or something cause he was just bones! Only downside was he stank, and I mean like proper reaking of nastiness. Couple of times I actually thought I was gonna up-chuck but managed to keep my cheesepuff brekkie down. (Good thing actually cause I hate it when people waste good food). Basically some kids were playing kiss chase and the girl fell over straight into the puddle and onto the skeleton! (I personally think it was her own fault, I mean who runs around the woods in heels)! More to the point who the hell plays kiss chase these days, its so ancient! I mean my grandparents used to play that, why the hell weren't these kids at home playing X-Box or something like proper human beings! Anyway so me and Marlo call it in and suddenly our relaxing walk in the woods turned into the Poilce circus complete with forensics and all that. Those guys get on my nerves like seriously who does that for a living? Anyway so Swarek is there dishing out his orders and I get told to guard the boundary! :-/ I mean guard the boundary?! I'm a cop not a flaming nanny.

So I'm there minding my own business doing my guarding and all that, and this woman just walks straight past me with her lunchbox like she's gonna have a picknik! Anyway I tell her she can't come through and she looks at me as if to say 'Do you know who I am'?! Then, and I gotta say it was the funniest, most weird and strange encounter I have ever had with anyone in my entire life! She starts rambling on and on and on and on and on about medical something or another, like talking to me as if I'm supposed to know exactly whats she's on about :-/ I mean seriously I actually nearly asked her if she'd taken her tablets this morning, I really thought that she was a nutjob! So it turns out she was actually the Forensic Pathologist and was actually gonna collect dirt and bugs or something because she wanted to know if the fumur was still intact :-/ No thats not right...damn what did she say again?! :-/ (I really should of payed more attention to what she was saying instead of watching her lips move). So then finally after about 4 days of her talking forensic mumbo jumbo (ok it was actually a few minutes but I felt like I'd lost half my life) I finally thought this strange being was gonna zip out of my life as fast as she'd zipped into it but oh no! Detective Swarek had other ideas didn't he, yes he did! I ended up being sent to the morgue with said Pathologist and bones! I mean really thats not my idea of a good day, sitting with a dead guy and a woman who could clearly talk a person to sleep!

So next thing I'm in the morgue just staring at this woman work. Now I gotta admit it wasn't as boring as I thought it would be, well ok after an hour odd! It was actually...interesting. Not like the dead guy and the smell etc oh no there was no need for that at all, but her, the woman. Holly actually as I was informed after sometime. In her words and with a bit of venom I might add 'My name is Holly not lunchbox' (No one ever speaks to me like that, who the hell does she think she is)?! :-O Reguardless of her minor attitude I actually found myself staring at her! Not like staring at her in some weird freaky way but the way she worked. It was amazing. I've never seen anyone pay so much attention to what they are doing like ever! Every single little thing was done with such care and consideration, I mean it was almost as if the guy still resembled a human being. She even spoke to him. I mean I gotta admit that was kinda freaky, they way she kept saying 'Come on friend what happened to you?' and 'you poor soul, probably dying in fear' :-/ Who talks to dead people?! No scratch that, who the hell works with dead people?!

Eventually we get some info about this guy, well kid actually, 20 year old or something like that. Sam got all excited and hyper cause he knew the kid from a previous case and tbh anyone would of thought he'd just won the lottery or something! Holly carried on working, telling me about books and journals she had written, rambling nonsense, although to be fair I did ask a lot of questions! I surprised myself actually. This stuff meant nothing to me but I was facinated by it all. She even gave me gloves to wear which by the way stank to high hell! I actually dunno what was worse the bones or the gloves :-/. So before I know it the day has passed, we I.D the kid and told his story. Sam I'm confident gave birth at somepoint to joy and happiness at solving the case and I'm left in this lab with Holly! But thats when it got really weird. I don't for the life of me know why I did it but I started rambling! Like Holly had earlier in the day, I just had word vomit and I couldn't stop. Something about cat's and trees and relationships I mean wtf?! I don't do stuff like that and even if I do I don't do it with people I've only just met. It was so strange. I mean I only knew Holly for like 6 hours but it kinda felt like I'd known her all my life. I cannot explain it, all I know is that I fazzed out momenterally and I'm 99% certain she said she is a lesbian :-/ I mean she, Holly, Forensic Pathologist with over a million gold stars is a...lesbian. I'm not shocked or horrified by it at all, I'm just shocked that of all the people I encounter on a daily basis she is the gay one! I'm gonna be honest here but Holly is a stunning looking woman, like mega hot (Don't even go there I'm allowed an opinion) I mean she could have any bloke in the universe eating out the palm of her hand and she would rather 69 a woman! :-O And the strangest thing is she is so proud of herself for it. Like when she told me she had this massive beaming smile on her face as if to say 'Some people are gay, get over it'. Well I'm sorry but in my book that owns respect. I'm never gonna see this woman again in my life (She gave me her phone number when she brought me dinner after shift finished but anyway) I respect her. If I could have the perfect idol I think I'd choose her! Holly my idol...ok I sound weird now, totally going off topic, no wait thats wrong Holly was the topic hmmmmmmmmm. Holly...shit I don't know her surname. It was on that book she wrote, damn what did it say?! I'm sure it began with an S but...nope dunno! Hold on wait wtf why the hell do I care about her Surname?! :-/ Oh my god why the hell am I going on about Holly?! Ok right well I think I'm done here, this entry seems to be getting slightly weird and I don't think I like it. Got the therapist tomorrow so no doubt I will have plenty to tell you tomorrow evening. Sweet dreams diary...


	3. Chapter 3

What's up diary?! How ya doing this fine day?...nope ok just me then! :-/ (I'll take my happy pills alone shall I). So I bet your so intriuged to find out how my session went today huh huh huh yeah I thought so. Er whats that? your not really bothered?! Rude, like I care cause guess what, I'm gonna tell you anyway so pfft!

So this morning isn't even remotely worth talking about to be honest cause well...nothing happened! So lets skip to 12.30 shall we. I arrive at the office 15mins early :-/ I know right, me early, and not just early but a whole flaming 15mins! Gotta be a new record that. Well impressed with myself...NOT! :-/ Cause I really wanted to sit in a waiting room for 15mins with two complete strangers, one of whom smelt of really cheap aftershave and the other, a woman who keep checking me out. I mean don't get me wrong I know I'm hot but seriously, did the woman really have to stare at me so blatantly. I get it enough from work, not really needed when I'm gonna go sit and pour out my heart and soul to someone who's job it is to me feel teeny tiny before building me up into a god! (Maybe I coulda saved time and told her I'm already a god. The woman in the waiting room clearly thought so). Before I move on can I just clarify the woman wasn't even remotely what I would call attractive. What do I class as an attractive woman? What like apart from me you mean?! Erm ok well Angelina Jolie has something kinda special going on. Cheryl Cole has the dimples. Er who else...Holly, why not, she's a random. Hmmmmmmm Holly has that weird smile thing going on, kinda like a sarcastic but sexy smile thing that she does. Er who else McNally? NOPE! Chloe, well she's just annoyingly cute kinda makes me wanna throw up! I mean Holly is kinda cute as well but she has class and sophistication, where Chloe looks like she should still be in school. There's the woman in the coffee shop who has this thing where she plays with her ear when she gets nervous, kinda like when Holly bites her lip. Who else? Oh yeah the girl at the petrol station. I know she is only 18 and she wears far too much make-up but her laugh is annoyingly infectious. Holly's laugh is more of a 'Your such a dick' kinda laugh but still cute... :-/

So moving on, I get called in to the room and it's the usual how do you do's and how are you feeling etc. I let her waffle for a bit before I give her some pleasure in her job and tell her whats been going on lately. She asked me how stuff was at home, how I felt about Chris going. I gotta admit I'm kinda bummed about that. I miss Chris. He was like a ex-boyfriend/best friend/big sister/half bother and now he's gone! Off playing daddy with Christian. I can't put my finger on it but there is something not right about that whole situation. (Don't worry it's in the back of my mind I won't say anything or voice this particular opinion)! I openly admitted I missed Chris and the look I got was one of 'Oh really'?! I put her in her place and told her I just miss making fun of him. That shut her up. We briefly discussed my nightmares, which thank god seem to be slowly vanishing. I only had one last week whoop go me. Apparently the only way to clear my mind of negative thoughts is to create new happy memories and then my nightmares will turn into dreams :-/ I have never heard so much crap in all my life! I mean if I only had one nightmare last week as opposed to four then that means I'm creating new happy memories, but if someone would kindly inform me what these new happy memories could be then I'm all ears! Conclusion: CRAP!...I NEED BEER...

I'M BACK...

What else did we discuss?! Oh yeah the topic I love talking about so much popped up:_ 'have you met your match yet?'_ Who words it like that? Have you met your match? I mean really the stuff this woman comes out with still makes me cringe. I informed her that yes I had been on a few dates but nothing, not even a million quid was gonna encourage me to take it 'outside the coffee shop'! Why is everyone so bothered about whether I'm dating someone or not?! What's the big deal. Don't get me wrong I'm severely suffering in one department but that's all good cause I can sort that out on my own, but I really do not need the hassle of a boyfriend. It's too much effort and hard work. All the making plans, and going on dates and texting and late night phone calls and 'sleepovers'...Ok I admit I enjoy the sleepover's but I think guys seem to think they have their own set of rules! Like if I have a sleepover the guy thinks its A.O.K to leave straight away as soon as he say's _'That was fun, let's do it again_ _sometime'_. But if a guy has a sleepover and I leave straight away it makes me a slut! I mean come on really?! Did you see me leave a $20 on the table?! No I don't think so!

Eurgh you know what I have come to the conclusion men are all just a waste of my energy right now. I really cannot be arsed with it. Holly has the right idea like totally. The day she realised men were arseholes was the day she saw the light!... Hold the line! (Lets just clarify that although I believe Holly is sensible and her non-love for the male species gains respect from me, it doe's not mean I'm gonna kick a ball about on her squad)! Hell to the no, again its just my opinion! Holly is happy with who she is and so am I...I'm happy being me! In the words of the P.C.D - I don't need a man to make me feel good, I get off being free! And back to the session...Oh we discussed the upcoming wedding of Frank and Noelle and I'll be honest it lasted 10 seconds. Question put forward was _'Are you going?'_ and my response was_ 'No'_. I could see it in her eyes that she wanted to ask me why not and I think she saw it in my eyes that I was telling her _'Don't even waste your time asking'_...

Oh and we discussed you my lil bundle of personal trauma, thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry but the queen could have asked to read you aloud and she would have gotten the same answer as Mary Poppins 'Sod off, its private'. I'm not really sure when it happened but I'm actually enjoying talking to you. It's weird but I feel slightly lifted after our brief encounters of the story of my life. I actually have to admit I try to remember things so I don't forget to tell you all about them because let's be honest, you love hearing my stories as much as I enjoy telling them. It's ok I know, I'm your best friend in the universe, and don't worry it's our little secret :-) But I know the one thing that you have been dying to know and I'm so excited to tell you this, I can't contain it any longer...yes thats right I was asked _'How do you feel about that?'_ 20 times in 30mins BANG! I bet you $50 it will up to 30 in 40mins in no time what so ever!

Ooooo text message...hold on...Holly wants to know if Chocolate ice cream tastes better than Strawberry ice cream when you put hundreds and thousands on it... :-/...hmmmmmm let me reply...

_'chocolate ice cream and strawberry ice cream taste better when_ _drizzled on something I.E a person, then add hundreds and thousands and chocolate sauce...then lick it off!'..._...SEND...

la de da lets see what little miss genius has to say to that...

ooooooo reply...

Holly says_ 'I've never tried that maybe you should show me'_...:-/

REALLY! Holly clearly needs to get laid! I mean I think the wrong person is going on all these dates! Hold on let me text her back...

_'I think you need to find yourself a ride'_...SEND...

I bet she comes back with another smart arse remark! I'm supposed to be the smart arse, Holly is stealing my thunder, or well she is trying too!...

Oooooo she replied...hold on...

_'O.k then... Gail will you take me to the ice-cream parlour ;-)'_... :-/

Oh lordy lordy, I can see this could go on all night so I'm gonna luv you and leave you my lil bundle of tales! I gotta go encourage Holly to take a very-cold-shower, so have fun until next time...


	4. Chapter 4

Hay, it's me again, you know just here to jot some stuff down...so erm here I go...jotting stuff down...cause thats my thing right now, ya know writing...and jotting and erm telling you stuff cause you wanna know it and its therapeutic and stuff and I'm erm kinda er possibly slightly a bit tipsy, even maybe bordering on drunk apparently but I just want to make it quiet clear I am fully aware of my sense's right now and I know exactly what I'm saying :-/

So let's erm share things? Yeah? Sound's like a plan right? I mean what's the point of all this if I'm just gonna ramble and make hardly any sense which is kinda what is happening right now...O.K...here I go...HOLY FUCK HOLLY KISSED ME! :-/

...

Woah headrush...and breathe!

Er yeah there it is! My epic event of the day!...well I mean not like end of the world epic but like epic as in HOLLY FKN KISSED ME! :-O

Oooooo my head is spinning! No I think the room is spinning? Or maybe its just the earth spinning or turning or something...breathe...

So erm yeah, er guess you want details and I'm totally confused by the events of the day so I think I need to go over it all again you know for clarification or just so I know for myself that I haven't just woken up in a parallel universe or something like that!...Is it me or is it really hot in here?! :-/

...I wonder what Holly is doing?...Maybe she is still dancing?...maybe she fell asleep? I should text her maybe? see if she is ok maybe you know, check she got home safe or something...maybe because I mean its the polite thing to do right you know as an officer of the law to check...make sure she's safe :-/

O.M.G WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING WITH ME?! :-O

I'm clearly drunk right, it's gotta be the alcohol, I mean what else could it be?! It's...half past 2 :-O What!...wait what time did I get home? I'm sure I've been here a while...I dunno oh my head hurts! Oh god I feel sick...BRB...

I'm sorry about that, just had to erm...use the bathroom facilities :-/ O.K so focus Gail god damn it woman focus! And calm...right forget about Holly, just concentrate on the day and start at the beginning! O.K you ready? Here we go:

So er a bus of old drags and hags got done over today, well they were held up at gun point and er robbed basically. Mega boredom. Few of them got smacked for their efforts in negotiating with the robber. I think they were all like 90 or something, like proper old, like god... :-/ I wonder how old God is?! He's gotta be like a few million, thousand years old right?! Does god actually exist?! hmmmm maybe I'm confused, or maybe it's the Power Rangers that exist?!...No I think the Power Rangers got killed when Mount Vesuvius erupted right, or was it the Smurfs that discovered the North Pole?! :-/...Dov's Trivia cards! They will tell me hold on...

Ah right the trivia card's now let's get the answer...first card:

'Who invented the telephone?'

:-/...Really are you serious?...Come on everyone knows the answer to that DUH it was Mr Vodaphone! God what a stupid question who wouldn't know that?! :-/ O.K I'm bored with these now...Oooo oooo oooo I'll text Holly! She will know, she know's everything!

'Hay Holly how old is God?'...SEND...

Holly is a genius, she will know the answer, Holly knows the answer to everything, she is sooooooo cool. Wait why ain't she replying?... OMG maybe she broke her ankle dancing :-O Oh god I should phone the hospital or something, I mean what if she broke the heel of her shoe, she could be on a park bench crying or something...WAIT REPLY!

'I'm good but I'm not that good, plus I'm tired, thanks for tonight plus 1 forever' xx

:-O thank god for that she's alive...PHEW

Erm...what where was I? Oh yeah old people on bus that's right...so they all come to the station and we have to question them and stuff. I got stuck with this bloke and woman...both old as god and they were together but not together or something but they were dating I think but not in a relationship...maybe they were just friends with benefits :-/...OH MY GOD OH YUCK THATS GROSS...Eurgh...Eurgh oh my mind eurgh old people do not do that, oh that's disgusting yuck yuck yuck!

Anyway moving on so we find out who robbed them blah blah blah and the old woman (older than god) got all serious with me saying no one deserves to be alone and we all need happiness or something and next thing I know Holly is gonna be my plus one to Frank and Noelle's wedding :-/...It all happened so fast I don't know exactly what happened but yeah so I went to the wedding.

I get there and Holly was already there...in the coat closet...checking in coats, cause Holly is actually a freak...no actually no she's not a freak...Holly is lovely and kind and sweet and amazing :-)...and she stiffed me outta $5! I'm gonna get that back swear down! Oh my god and Holly can do dance routines, she is very smooth at the macarena, like all hands and arms...it was cute. So er yeah wedding happened, it was boring yawn but free booze get in there! Oh and Holly is a Champagne thief! She stole a bottle from the table and dragged me in the coat closet! Bit confused though at Holly's love for closets, she kinda seems at home in them, which I don't quiet understand considering she left her's years ago ya know. But I felt quiet comfortable sitting in there, It was peaceful just me and Holly sitting there talking. And the fur coat was to die for, it was soooooo comfy, and it made me look like royalty (Need to buy me one of them) Holly probably wouldn't like it though cause my clothes just ain't her style apparently :-/ I mean that's rude right, coming from someone who wears fleece, flannel and dungarees! I have taste and she gets all her fashion sense from Ellen!...Actually Ellen has good dress sense, I like her style and her wife always looks stunning. Ellen is so lucky to be married to Portia I mean F.I.T! Holly is fit in her own little way, all trim and slim and athletic and healthy and HOT! ahhhhhhhhhh and yeah so I'm sitting there and next thing I know Holly is snogging my face off and sticking her tongue in my mouth! :-O...O.K well that's a lie she didn't have her tongue in my mouth but she was proper snogging my face off!...Yeah no that's also a lie she wasn't snogging my face of she just gave me a peck on the lips...Ha ha peck on the lips haha peck oh dear ha ha I'm funny peck ya get it cause I'm Peck ya know and Holly pecked peck and... :-/ok right but the point is HOLLY KISSED ME! I think maybe I may of possibly even slightly gently kissed her back briefly...you know to be polite :-/ I mean realistically I should have slapped that bitch for making a move on me right?! RIGHT?! But I can't hit Holly have you seen her? She'd kill me with long words and intelligence and stuff and besides I'm not a bully, I only hit people who deserve it...like Nick...and maybe if the opportunity arose maybe McNally...Who would ever wanna hurt Holly? She is lovely and kind and sweet and gorgeous and funny and gorgeous and sweet and gorgeous and lovely and she's Holly and she said she is my plus one forever cause I think Holly love's me and I don't blame her cause I'm awesome :-) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh Holly Holly Holly. My best friend forever my Holly...yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnn and I'm tired and I need sleep, my dreams will be good I feel, cause happy memories create happy dreams yawnnnnnnnnnn so I'm gonna go to bed and sleepy sleepy...Oh and tomorrow I must find out how old god is...night night ...


	5. Chapter 5

Hi there.

O.K so before I begin with todays update I would just like to touch on my last entry. I was quite clearly intoxicated because of all the free champagne I consumed at the wedding. So on that reason right there I would like to say that the thoughts and feelings expressed on the last few pages of this diary were not from me. Well they were from me clearly but a very very drunken me and so for that very reason alone, the last entry is now being void by myself! I was gonna tear the pages out but realised it will cause problems at a later date when trying to enter future information! Also I would like to make this quiet clear that future entry's will not involve me in a relationship with Ms Stewart. I'm sure that her actions on the night in question were also down to the large amount of champagne that she also consumed, so as far as I'm concerned it was a non-event.

Ah good and moving on. So what have I been up to? Well it has been a week and a half so we have a lot to discuss! Been a lot of shit go down and I'm gonna tell you about it all. Are you ready? Good let's go :-)

I had my latest session with the therapist. She really is an odd cookie that one, like I'm still baffled by some of the stuff she ask's. It was normal, I sat there not talking as per usual and she highlighted that she is trained and I'm more than welcome to speak. :-/ Trained in what? Asking questions? Wow gold star for the speaker whoop whoop :-/ Anyway I humoured her by telling her I cheated on Nick to see what kind of advice she would give. She just stared at me then said 'maybe you should accept what you did!' Like really the worse advice I have ever been given and then she asked if one action brands you for life! Then me foot in mouth mention's Holly kissing me and bam I open up a whole new can of worms! The therapist actually looked at me as if to say 'oh really are you hiding in the closet!' Like really its stupid, girls kiss each other all the time right?! right?! Anyway I made it quite clear that I'm not a lesbian and I'm not switching teams! The looks I was getting were shocking! It was like she was looking at me saying 'I see what's inside you, let it out!' Let what out? There is nothing to let out! I like men simple. I'm not gay and I'm not gonna have some therapist try get me to admit otherwise! So what if I like Holly, she's my friend. She's kind and smart and funny and I like her...as a friend! I have no problem with Holly being gay, I take my hat off to her but I'm not on that team and I never will be so case closed on that!

What else happened...Oh yeah Chris came home happy times, until I realised Denise was with him :-( (I've never liked her and I now have valid reason's for this!) Ok well my happiness and joy at Chris' return were short-lived because Christian got kidnapped! It was horrible, and what's worse is that he was in the care of Andy and Nick when he got taken! (God forbid they ever have kid's!) (Oh gross now I'm insinuating they are actually sleeping together...ah man)...I mean really, two trained police officers can't even look after a kid cause they two busy wrapped up in each other! ...O.K that's not entirely true, it wasn't their fault entirely. An old guy (probably older than god) had a funny turn and they did their civic duty in trying to help him, but they left Christian unattended in the car about 10 metres away! It really was a complete a total cock-up on their part. Anyway so Chris and Denise were frantic as expected, the rest of us were trying not to be 'Chris friends' but the Police, it was really hard if I'm honest. Anyway because of the situation we ended up needing help from the lab and guess what, yes that's right I was the one who had to go. Now I don't mind going to the lab, but it was the first time I'd seen Holly since the 'incident' at the wedding and nervous was an understatement. (Well I sure as hell ain't gonna mention it ever again and thank god I don't think Holly ever will either). I had to ring her and call in a favour basically telling her to forget any other work she had to do, however important it was and run some samples for me. I was quiet surprised when she said 'O.K' Didn't ask any questions or nothing, there was no concern about her other work she just did it! See now that's why I like Holly because she is an all round genuinely lovely person. I honestly do not believe that woman has a bad bone in her body at all, but saying that I don't think I'd ever wanna piss her off. She could be Jekyll and Hyde and I really don't wanna be there if it's true! I kinda maybe kissed her arse a bit too by my constant supply of coffee, but that was so she focused on the job at hand! Helping us find Christian. And my god those D.N.A machine things go sooooooooooo bloody slow! I had to sit there for like 2 hours waiting for a little message to flash up on the screen saying 'MATCH'. I mean really, it's so boring, I don't know how Holly does that everyday just sit in front of a computer watching millions of numbers dance around on a screen until 'MATCH' jumps out at ya! I guess it's cool though that I got to spend more time with Holly. She is really interesting. I don't have a clue what she goes on about half the time and I'm sure she knows she confuses the hell outta me with some of her words and phrases but I don't care. Holly is Holly and I wouldn't change her for the world. I needed a new friend and I'm really glad that lunchbox invaded my crime scene :-)

So eventually we get a hit on the D.N.A and I tell ya I was not expecting the results we got! They had already figured out who had Christian and when the D.N.A results came through it nearly knocked me over. Chris isn't Christians dad! :-O I know right, ah man I'm still fuming over the whole bloody thing, I mean Chris has this kid thrust at him out of nowhere and is told its his son. He leaves his friends and job because Denise didn't like it here, and the whole time the bitch was playing him. I mean who does that to a person. I so wanted to kill the bitch but I would not of got away with it! (Well I'm sure Holly would have given me a few helpful tips on performing the perfect untraceable murder...if I'd asked her)

Everyone is still reeling from shock and Chris, well he don't know whether he's coming or going! I think he's gonna come home but I don't know. Worse thing is nobody knows what to say to him, its a ridiculous mess that could have been avoided if his arse ex wasn't such a selfish bitch! But happy side we found Christian and he was safe and sound. All in all it really was a shit day and I have to be honest I needed cheering up. I was supposed to go on another date that evening but I couldn't be bothered. I needed a distraction that was happy and so I called Holly. I don't know why I did it, or what made me call her but I hit speed dial and asked her out. Well technically I don't think I asked her out, but I enquired as too how she was spending her evening. I really didn't wanna be out with someone I didn't know, I didn't wanna be back at the apartment if Denise was there and I didn't wanna be alone.

I don't know what it is but Holly make's me happy. Like she takes my comments and insults, processes them and throws better one's back! It was annoying as hell to start off with but now it's kinda like our little private game. No one has ever stood up to me and hurled one of my sarcastic comments back and I gotta admit Holly is bloody good at it! Once or twice she has stumped me, but it doesn't happen as often as I think she would like. Plus also I get to hang around with someone who's a Doctor! I have this new thing I do to wind Holly up. If I go anywhere with her and someone try's to chat me up or something or you know start a convo I reply 'I'm with the Doctor' and they say 'Doctor Who?' It's hilarious and Holly get's the right hump cause she's a nerd and she loves Doctor Who and it's my way of making fun. I know I'm well funny right ha ha ha. Holly tried to crack a joke the other day and it was lame! I said 'let's play X-Box', and she said 'oh cool we can play doctor's and coppers' :-/ (I know hold on) Basically Holly then explained her joke to me...that was Holly's attempt at humour on the game name 'Doctor's and Nurse's' but because I'm a cop Holly has renamed it 'Doctor's and coppers' :-/ Don't worry I didn't laugh either, but Holly thought she was hilarious and even said 'Oh god I nearly wet myself' :-/

I just got a vision in my head of Holly's laugh, it's cute. There's something infectious about her but I don't know what it is. I mean she isn't the kind of person I would normally associate with, but the more time I spend with her...I don't know, it's like I've known her all my life or something. Maybe it's cause she doesn't judge me. She just see's me. I like that, it means a lot to me. Holly means a lot to me...Well except for when she forced me to go to the batting cages with her!

You remember I called her to ask her what she was up to? You remember that? Right well she suggested we go hit some balls out the park. Now I am not sporty at all, I hate sports and if it had been anyone else and my mood had been different I would have told them to jog on! But it was Holly, and I needed a laugh so I went...for a laugh...and yes there was lot's of laughing. Holly just hit those balls all over the place but I went one better and hurled the baseball bat around! Who needs to hit the ball when you can just throw the bat right?! Holly found the whole thing highly amusing. Bless her she even tried to teach me how to hold the bat and swing. (That was strange) She kinda got right up behind me into my personal space, practically wrapped her arms around me...it felt nice :-/ Again I didn't wanna smack her, I felt comfortable with her closeness. I guess it was just the day's event's really, I mean after a day like that people need to feel close to someone right?! Holly said I'd be the perfect person to spoon...

Anyway after Holly put me through the batting cages we went and got a hot-dog and sat in the park. That was nice. It was peaceful and relaxing. We didn't say much and I don't think we needed to. I knew she was there, and that was enough tbh. Although I did notice her keep looking at me through the corner of her eye. I guess she was just checking to make sure I was ok without asking. Kinda sweet of her I guess. I'm still surprised Holly is single. I mean she could have anyone and that person would be the luckiest person in the universe. She's absolutely stunning. Her eyes are like diamonds, they just sparkle. She's toned and athletic and healthy. Why no one wants to date her is beyond me. She is just an all round perfect woman. I think I may stop calling her lunchbox and just call her Mary Poppins, cause she is practically perfect in everyway...Oh just had a thought...maybe she isn't! Maybe Holly is a crap kisser?! Or maybe she is a secret closet Spice Girls fan and has a hidden shrine to Sporty Spice...Or maybe little miss perfection is no good in the bedroom department ;-) ooooooooooooo now that would be a fun topic to tease her over! I mean come on she has been single a long time now, she always gets chatted up when we go out and she always turns them down!...Or maybe there is someone. Ooooooo Maybe Holly has a crush on someone :-O Oh god I can't believe I never thought of that! Oh that's my new mission 'OPERATION CRUSH HOLLY' :-/ (O.K that actually sounds violent)...who care's no one is ever gonna see it, besides it get's the objective across! I so have to do some homework on this now, some snooping to find out who Holly has her eye on. This is gonna be fun. Plus also I like making fun of Holly cause I know she can take it. I wonder if I know this person?!...Whoever they are they better be nice! Holly is amazing and this person, whoever they are, had better look after her or they will have me to deal with! Holly is my friend and I...I care about her. I'm glad I met her.

Wow the time has left me again, early one tomorrow so I gotta go now besides I need all my energy to find out who Holly is in love with lol! Laters...


	6. Chapter 6

Hi diary...how you been? That's good, just waiting for me to return? Sorry it's been so long. Been spending time with my thoughts and it hasn't been good. I need to get them all out. I can't keep it all locked inside anymore, it's far to confusing. Are you comfy, I will begin...

I went out with Holly again last night! 3 times in 7 days! We had a few drinks and Chinese take-away back at her place. We even watched a movie. It wasn't a film I wanted to watch, and I will never watch it again! She made me sit through Stardust! :-/ I mean really?! What's wrong with Robocop or Terminator? They are good films and they have guns, blood and death! I thought Holly would be into that kind of thing but no, apparently she is more into magic and star's that are people and boats that fly :-/ I guess the only good thing about the film was Michelle Pfeiffer! Damn that woman never seizes to amaze. She's still hot as hell, she always has been! I've been spending a lot of my free time with Holly, and the more time passes the more excited I am to see her. And I love her place, its so warm and inviting. It's a real home. I could live there, well I have practically taken out a mortgage on her sofa. I spend more time on there lately than I do my at home. I spend most of my time there going through all her 500 thousand books! That woman can read! There is like 10 bookcases all full and every single book has been read front to back! Who does that?! Intelligent people clearly. But I have to admit some of them do look rather interesting and...I read one of them the other day! :-D Yes that's right...I read a book! I found it in the bookcase in the spare bedroom! Be proud, I read...The Hungry Caterpillar! :-D...:-/ Oi no need for that, I don't care if it was a kids book! A book is a book and I read one! So hush up! Jeez Holly teased me about it for an hour don't you bloody start! You know what, I feel so comfortable in Holly's company, it just feels right...but something is going on and I can't put my finger on it...

Arrghh...O.k so I need your help with something. It's a big something and it's confusing the hell out of me. Long story short...it's Holly! I can't get the bloody woman out of my head :-( It's like she has just decided to relocate and live there, taking up all the space in my mind! It's surreal to say the least. Holly, this forensic pathologist, this amazing beautiful woman who just strode into my life without a care in the world Holly! Holly who makes me laugh at long words I don't understand. Holly who knows when I need comfort or when I need space. Holly who knows how to control my sarcasm and put me in my place by rubbing out my insults, writing a better one and throwing it straight back at me. Holly who is just...Holly. I get up in the morning and from the first minute to the last second before I fall asleep I think of her. I care about her, of course I do, I mean Holly has become a very good friend, probably the best friend I've ever had and she is the first person I have ever truly let in. I mean I trust her with my life. It's all crazy I've only known her for a short while but she is there inside my life and it's driving me crazy! I sound insane, maybe Holly was right :-( She always tells me I'm insane, maybe that was her hint that she thinks I need to be sectioned! I mean listen to me! I sound like a raving lunatic!...

Oh help me someone please? I just want answers to all of this! :-( I mean let's be realistic. Maybe the reason I feel all of this is because I never let anyone in before. I never really had true friends, heck, I don't even think I've ever had a best friend! Maybe that's it?! I'm beginning to rely on Holly because I know she will always be there for me. I never had anyone like her in my life before and now I do and I'm being over dramatic and extremely over the top about this whole thing! I'm the ice-queen and here I am panicking over a situation I don't even understand. Like before I would have just shrugged my shoulders, swore a few times, insulted Holly and forgotten about it.

I wanna,... no I need to,... no no I HAVE to get her out of my head! I don't want her in there anymore. She's annoying me with her nice and polite routine. I wish she would choke on a long word!...Oh who the hell am I kidding?! I don't want her to choke :-( Damn I don't even really mind that she's in my head.

Arrrrgggghhhhhhh!

What the fuck is wrong with me?!

If I don't get a text or call from her I panick!

If I text her and she doesn't reply immediately I panick!

If I can't see where she has parked her car in the car park at work I panick!

THIS IS RIDICULOUS! :-(

Holly is just my friend, god I mean...anyone else reading this would think that I'm like in love with the woman or something I mean real...

:-O

OH...MY...GOD!

NO! That's crazy...wait...oh god! WTF!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

JUST NO! That's ridiculous! Like that really is insane I mean this is Holly!... Nerd Holly!... Big word Holly!... Likes to insult me Holly!...

Ah shit! No no no please no. Holly is a woman and I'M NOT GAY! Please someone, anyone help me please :-(

O.k...breathe...chill...calm down girl...this diary can't save you if you pass out or overhyperventrilicate!...

O.k I'm calm, I have a beer now... So let's look at this realistically shall we I mean what makes Holly so special anyway?! Where is there any indication that I'm even the slightest bit...'in love with her'?! :-/ I mean what do I really think of Holly...

Well she's funny, smart, kind, caring, gorgeous, considerate, beautiful, agreeable, brave, capable, charming, sexy, courageous, dazzling, dynamic, enchanting, entertaining, wonderful, alluring, fabulous, proud, amazing body, responsible, sensitive, talented, cultured, unusual, calm, warm, soft hands, beautiful eyes, cheerful, fearless, generous, confident, ambitious, soft lips, peaceful, delightful, self-assured, thoughtful, sincere, gentle, fantastic... I could go on forever... :-O Oh god... I don't believe it...

I THINK IM FALLING IN LOVE WITH HOLLY!

I am totally, completely utterly insanely 100% falling for her! :-( What am I supposed to do with that?! I can't do anything with it? Its crazy, this whole thing is crazy. I need to get rid of it, I need to forget about her, I have to stop seeing her! There is no other way! I have to distance myself. It's the only thing I can do, I mean, I'm not gay, I've never wanted a woman before in my life... :-/ (SHUT IT)! I closed this part of me off years agoo.k, the walls I built were for this very reason. I like men,... I fancy men,... I sleep with men! END OF!

:-( Oh great now I'm crying wtf?! I do not cry, ever! Why does my chest hurt? Oh my god. I can't do this, I can't let this out. It's got to stay locked away! I just...I can't! Holly is just my friend, I have to accept that and besides she likes someone else anyway remember! I mean this person whoever they are I HATE THEM! :-O I just I want Holly to be happy, and she is happy. She has everything she needs, she was fine before she met me right, so if I go nothing will change, her life will go on...right?! :-/

She can never know how I feel, no one ever can I couldn't deal with the hassle that comes with it all, it's not me. This is just,... its erm, well its just...the Holly effect :-( Oh my eyes, god why can't I stop crying. I look like a blubbering baby! Maybe I should go now, this too much and I can't talk about this anymore.

But just so you know, if I had the chance, I could make Holly happy, I could be her real plus one forever...


	7. Chapter 7

_**Hay guys I just want to say thank you all so much for your positive support, it really encourages me to write more of this diary for you. I didn't realise writing could be so stressful but I am really enjoying it and I'm so glad you guys are too! I hope I can continue to entertain you all with Gail's ramblings ha ha :-D Again thank you all so so much - ash x**_

Hay hay what's occurring? Ah what a busy week! So much going on I ain't stopped! So let's start shall we...

So much happening at work. Shop robberies, speeding tickets, desk duty...it's all been very boring to be honest... well until I got partnered with Oliver. I love working with Oliver he's such a great guy. He's just an all round nice person. So we get called out to a domestic disturbance and straight away I'm like...Great! :-/ I hate playing counsellor cop! Getting called out cause a married couple are having a flaming domestic in the middle of the street, I mean really, just get a bloody divorce already! So anyway the wife was accusing her husband of shooting things and he was denying it all and after questioning a few of the neighbours it turns out that there was no shooting of anything at all, just those two screaming and yelling at each other! Now I know your thinking god what a waste of time being called out for that right?!...Er NO! You're wrong actually because it turned out to be the best call out...like ever! I'm talking like totally bloody awesome! Why you ask? What could possibly be so amazing about it?... Well me and Oliver...Robocop and Terminator... BUSTED A GROW-UP! :-O (Please o.k...calm down...oh stop your applause is really not required)! Yep that's right, a nice house full of plants, equipment etc, like uber fkn cool!

So we call it in and take a look around the house and we catch some punk arse kid jumping out a window trying to get away...So we jumped on his sorry arse and arrested the little shit! Within' 10 mins the whole house is swarming with cops and alike and everyone was so stoked at this amazing bust. Me and Oliver were like proper buzzing, but that all soon came to an end when a dead body was discovered stuffed into a drum in the house! Great a murder! That took the shine off the whole bloody thing. We go back to the station to get new instructions about the new developments and McFairy was acting really fkn weird with me :-/ Weird as in she fkn hugged me :-/ I mean seriously...do I look like the sort of person who goes around hugging people?!...NO! I don't think so! Anyway it was well strange. I knew exactly why she was being weird and I knew exactly what she was trying to tell me but I played dumb cause she had absolutely no idea that I already knew. I just went along with her pathetic nonsense. I wanted to make her feel uncomfortable around me over the whole flamin' thing. I mean come on, I know her and Nick are at it like rabbits! I'm not stupid! Clearly they must have thought I was stupid and blind but I just played the game and went along for the ride a bit longer...prolonging the agony :-)

So we end up back at the house because we had to 'assist' in the clean up operation :-/ Not really how I wanted to spend my day at all! And I got stuck in a room with drugs doing said job with McFairy...yay for me :-/ So she is still rambling her nonsense and after a while I did start to get a bit pissed off and was ready to just put her out of her misery and to tell me wtf was going on...but I got cut short when a chemical leaked out of the box I was holding and burnt my fkn wrist! O.k now painful is not a word I would use to describe it, I was in absolute fkn agony!... So next thing I know were at the hospital and apparently I'm doped up to my eyes with drugs! :-/ I only remember bits and pieces of it but somewhere in the middle of it all McFairy actually grew a pair and finally told me she slept with Nick!...WELL DUH...I ALREADY KNEW THAT! After god knows how long Tinkerbell finally admitted to me that she...my friend...SLEPT...with Nick...my ex boyfriend! Now I'm pretty sure that if I wasn't so out of it I would have unleashed hell but to be fair I did already know so I probably wasn't really that bothered! But it still hurt. I mean that's the golden rule right? Friends never ever get together with your ex! It's like a law! You just never go there! I think she was probably more stunned when I told her I already knew. I bet her face was a picture. But it still cut deep so I told her to piss off!

/ I mean wtf! I swear the woman has some kind of brain defunct because come on really, you've just broken the golden rule of friendship and then you say:

_'So your happy for me_ _and Nick to be together? Yay come to our wedding'!_

I'm sorry but I had no choice... I unleashed the Ice-Queen and made her feel as pathetic as possible...but I did get a little upset because THEY FKN HURT ME!

Next thing I remember I'm mid rant, I look up and Holly is there! :-O I mean where the fuck did she come from? I do not remember calling or anything!...(But when I checked my phone it turns out I had actually sent her this message):

_'Friend of the dead, save me I think I'm dying! My wrist may need to be removed and the drugs are making me sing to elephants. Rescue me my knight in shining armour before I die alone' :-/_

DON'T!...O.K...JUST DON'T! I was high as a fkn kite!

So I walk up to Holly, and please take into account I hadn't spoken to or seen her for at least a week (because of what we discussed in the last entry) and she just smiled at me, took my arm and led me out! :-O It was as if there had been no distance between us whatsoever! Why does she keep being so fkn nice to me?! I'm trying to get away from her and she keeps just...being there! She just keeps being...Holly! Anyway she took me home and made such a fuss. Made sure I was comfy on the sofa, making me tea and feeding me, putting a blanket around me so I didn't get cold...I mean I only burnt my wrist! :-/ I have to admit though I really liked it, Holly fussing over me making sure I was o.k. It was really sweet of her, but I won't lie it really didn't help the way I feel about her and if anything its made things a million times worse! :-( And when she hugged me...oh god I thought I was gonna melt! I think I may have held onto her longer than I was actually supposed to... :-/

But... I did get an update on 'Operation Crush Holly' :-D Well kind of... I was feeling brave so I asked her when her next date with her hot chick was. She laughed and looked at me with those stunning sparkling eyes and replied

_'She's been ignoring me! But it's ok, I'm here now' :-O _

I thought I was gonna die! But clearly because I'm ignoring it all and pretending there is absolutely nothing going on in my head in regards to her I gave her my best death stare and said

_'You wish! No amount of tea, feeding me cheese puffs and hugging me is ever gonna get me to play upfront for your team'!_

As soon as I said it she just laughed and I felt awful :-( I had to pretend I'm a cold hearted bitch who has no feelings for her whatsoever. My god saying that to her really hurt! She has absolutely no idea what she is doing to me and I know that she never can. It was so hard sitting there face to face with her, just staring into her eyes and wanting to just kiss her! She will just continue to be Holly and let's be honest I'm totally barking up the wrong tree! I mean why would Holly ever consider me in a romantic sense? I'm well out of her league. I know she is a lesbian and woman are totally her thing but really? That does not in any way shape or form mean that she finds me attractive! O.k so she kissed me at the wedding but that was just to prove a point that she could shut me up and render me speechless! And it worked! I'm nothing special and I don't need to be told, I already know! But saying that I do really need to keep my feelings locked away, it's what I'm good at. But if she carry's on being all fkn nice and polite and kind and sweet and caring and amazingly gorgeous I'm gonna end up doing something completely stupid that I will regret, and it will totally ruin our friendship.

I can honestly say I could never go back to my life the minute before Holly walked on into it carrying her lunchbox. She is even rubbing off on me, I mean I don't think I'm as hard and mean as I used to be :-/ Well I can still be a complete bitch... just ask McFairy! But she is making me soft and soppy and all wimpy and I'm telling you now that has got to stop! I mean I sit here crying my eyes out while I'm telling you all my deep dark thoughts and feelings and even though its our little 'private affair' its unacceptable! I'm a Peck! I do not behave in this manner! EVER! So there's another reason why Holly must only remain a friend!

She admitted to me that she has been asked out a few times over the past 3 or 4 weeks and thats good for her! This girl she know's through a friend of a friend or something is very persistent apparently. They keep 'accidentally' bumping into each other but Holly say's she not really feeling the whole dating vibe thing right now. If Holly isn't gonna go on any dates anytime soon then that's a good thing in my eyes! Ah what am I saying? Why should I care if Holly goes out with someone else?... someone who isn't me? :-( Oh wow I seriously need to sort this out! I have no right getting all jealous just because Holly got asked out. It's not like were dating or anything!... Hmmmmm...or are we?! :-/ (No no that's too far Miss Peck, listen to yourself you dumb blonde)! Where have I got that ridiculous idea that me and Holly could possibly be dating...ha ha ha...I mean we hang out as friends... we do what people do as friends...because me and Holly are friends! So what if we just so happen to spend 99% of our free time together :-/ That does not mean that everytime I see her it's a date!...right?! :-/ Ha ha ha ha I'm actually going insane...call me a doctor (not Holly) but someone who can lock me and my crazy mind away! Would you listen to me...like really!

:-/...Oh god could you imagine if Holly ever read this diary she would have me sanctioned! :-O Worse still she would probably take out a restraining order to keep the crazy obsessed cop at least one side of the world away from her! Ha ha ha oh wow I just nearly choked on a cheese puff! But seriously what if Holly did ever find out about all of this?! What if she did find out that I'm...falling for her! :-O Oh god like what if she totally freaked out and vanished never wanting to see me or have anything to do with me ever again?! What if she left the department and went back home?! If Holly left I don't know what the fuck I would do!...Oh god that hurts, bad thoughts...oh damn my chest...it hurts! What if I never saw Holly ever again!? That would...it would...break my heart :-(

I cannot go on like this I have to take some serious action! I have two options!

1) Ignore it! Just down right ignore it! Ignore everything and every feeling inside of me! Carry on with Holly knowing that she is my friend and that is all she will ever be too me! Accept that Holly is out of my league and that she can go on as many dates as she wants to and know that I have absolutely no right whatsoever getting all jealous, because lets face it...Holly is a WOMAN and I'm NOT GAY!

2) :-/ ...Tell her? Be brave and tell Holly I hate her for stomping into my crime scene, twisting, turning and downright destroying everything in my life with her big long words and her cute laugh and her adorable smile and for just being so fkn gorgeous and sexy and making me feel all these things for her, and for her stupid medicaljeriwhatdoyoucallit! Tell her my life was nothing before she entered it in her wellies and how I...never wanna be without her and that I just care about her more than I have anyone ever in my entire life...just tell her...that I...love her! :-( Tell her that I am absolutely, 100%, crazy, truly, madly completely in love with her!

:-O ...I'm in love with Holly and I don't know what to do next :-( I guess I'm gonna have to just suck it up, break my own heart and try to move on... Me and Holly will never be together no matter how much I want it.

HECK I don't even care at this point that Holly is a woman and this could even make me gay! I DON'T CARE! I just want her :-(

Now if you don't mind I'm crying, my heart is trying to ping out of my chest and I need to go drown my sorrows with beer...

Oh and Holly just text me...

_'Do you think I should just go on a date with Claire, she is kinda hot and maybe it be good for me to get back out there?' xx _

Excuse me while I die alone...


	8. Chapter 8

Hay there, I'm sorry I've been away so long but its been a really fucked up few weeks! Not really sure where to start to be honest but I guess the start could possibly be the best place? O.k so I'm trying to figure out how to do this, and there is so much to say I don't wanna forget anything because well you need to know it all! So I guess I will just go back to Wednesday before last and start there!

The day went as smooth as you could expect I guess. I can't really remember everything I did at work and to be honest with you I only have a rock solid account of the evening! So let's forget the day and get to the night shall we?! Dov had decided he wanted to have a trivia night at the Penny and me being foolish enough agreed to tag along, as did Chris! Chloe was there obviously because her and Dov are attached at the hip. So we get to the Penny and Dov is sitting there with Chloe with a big beaming smile on his face all excited about the amazing fun evening we were all gonna have...answering trivia questions! :-/ I hate trivia, if I need to know something I ask or I find out using my mate 'Mr Google' otherwise I don't really give a shit! Anyway it was boring as hell and the only real thing getting through the torture was alcohol! Dov and Chloe were all over each other, kissing and hugging and being sweet and cute and all I wanted to do was throw up! I wasn't really paying any attention to the stupid quiz and I was just giving answers to get through it! Chris was taking it a bit more serious than me but he was clearly feeling awkward at Chloe and Dov all over each other. Just as I was about to fall asleep through boredom I looked up and Holly walked in! RESULT! I jumped out of my chair and made my way to her at the bar hoping she was gonna save me from my nightmare. I think she was surprised to see me, but I got her a drink thinking we were gonna hang out all night...WRONG! Holly told me she was meeting someone! Yep Holly was on a date :-( I was stunned! Holly never told me she had a date, I mean I'm her best friend and she just accidentally managed to 'forget' to mention this rather large development in her life!

Now I know I said I wasn't acting on feelings and I wasn't gonna get all jealous but when I saw the girl Holly was gonna be spending her evening with I turned into the Incredible Hulk! I was so angry and annoyed. I sat back at our table and spent the rest of the evening watching them. I mean they were there laughing and joking and this girl kept touching Holly... I mean really! (There was no need for the touching)! I'm sure Holly was laughing louder than she normally does! It was disgusting they were practically all over each other! Don't get me wrong the girl was hot, but nowhere near good enough for Holly!... My Holly. Argh trivia was so much more fun than sitting there watching them flirt with each other. I went to the loo and Holly's 'date' came in about 30 secs behind me. She made some joke about something (I didn't hear cause I was too busy trying to get the thoughts out of my head about drowning her in the toilet) I just threw her a fake smile and muttered _'have a good evening'_ Eurgh I am not normally a violent person but I really wanted to just smash that stupid smile off her face! Anyway as I made my way back to our table I glanced at Holly and she winked at me! :-O Why the fuck would she wink at me?! Trying to tell me she was on for a score and that her and little miss laughter were gonna go home together and do inappropriate things to each other?! Really at that moment in time I wanted to smash the stupid smile off of Holly's face too! Argh just thinking about it makes my blood boil! Anyway I stayed for about an extra half an hour and after seeing that Holly's date was a little tipsy and starting to get rather handsy I had to leave. I excused myself claiming exhaustion from the day and went home...alone!

I don't remember the walk but I know by the time I walked through the door I was shattered both mentally and physically. I walked into my bedroom and just collapsed on the floor. I cried. I cried for god knows how long, just constant loud sobbing. The kind of crying people do when they find out a loved one has passed away because at that very moment in time I was heartbroken and I truly believed Holly was gone. Like that was it she had someone else and I would never see her again. I have never felt pain like it. I couldn't stop crying, the tears just kept flowing and my heart just seemed to stop beating. When people describe heartbreak as your heart being ripped out of your chest, I tell you they are not joking! :-/ It does literally feel like that, it's the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life, it's just horrible! I don't know when or how but I eventually fell asleep in my bed.

day was probably the most eventful and disastrous day of my life so far! It started off really well. I managed to push the events of the night before to the back of my head. I didn't need to be thinking about that, I mean if I had of concentrated on it I would have ended up thinking about what happened after Holly and her date left the Penny and that would have just pushed me right over the edge! I got to work and everyone was in pretty good spirits. I was so glad cause I got partnered with Oliver. So the first hour went well but then it all went to shit, like completely. I mean it was just awful. McFairy and Smiler were on a call out at a local park and Chloe got shot! :-( (Now I know I make fun of her and she drives me insane but I would never wish any of my colleagues to get hurt). Me and Oliver were first on the scene and it was awful. Chloe had been shot in the neck and McFairy was beside herself with panick and distress, it was just terrible. Chloe got rushed to the hospital and honestly we were all shitting ourselves, totally unsure of what the fuck had happened and whether or not Chloe was gonna be o.k. We stayed on the scene for a while to see if any of the locals had witnessed anything, but no one had any info. Me and Oliver went back out on patrol and got a call to an address. It seemed weird but nothing out of the ordinary. Then some fucker started shooting at us! Thank god he missed and Oliver managed to get in the squad and reverse us out of danger! Thank god neither of us got hurt, but I tell you what I was scared as fkn hell! Back up arrived and drove me and Oliver back to the station. We were both sat in the parade room stunned into silence. Eventually everyone else filed in and we got debriefed on the new chain of events. There was no update on Chloe only that they were operating on her. The atmosphere was strained and everyone was clearly nervous. In those moments all I could think about was Holly so you can imagine my surprise when I walked down the corridor and she was standing there! Straight away my mind went to last night and my anger came back, so I abruptly asked her what she was doing there! She gave me some lame arse excuse about a report and a courier being sick! She must think I was born yesterday. Next thing she's dragging me into the interrogation room, and it's ironic because she actually began interrogating me about the shooter! I told her I couldn't tell her nothing and then she gave me that look and suddenly my anger towards her vanished and the love all came flooding back. She had me stumped! I told her about Chloe and mentioned other officers had also taken fire and she knew straight away I was talking about myself! I mean how does she do that? She can read me like a fkn book! Well it would seem that I also have that power (I didn't realise until that very moment) Holly started rambling again, her voice getting all angry and shaky. I mean I never saw her like that before. She was telling me that last night meant nothing and that she should of told me because basically I'm her best friend and she enjoys spending time with me...

ton truck it hit me! I saw it all in her eyes and heard it all in her voice. Holly was portraying her worry and concern about my safety and when I looked in her eyes I saw it! Holly is in exactly the same situation as me! I wasn't alone with my thoughts and my feelings. Holly felt exactly the same way that I felt for her and I just had to stop her getting upset and rambling. My heart pulled at the sudden realisation that she cared about me too...more than as a friend and I just did what I had to do in that very moment in time...

I KISSED HER! :-O

I kissed Holly and oh my god it was the most amazing feeling, the most amazing sensation I have ever felt in my entire life! It was the single most beautiful moment I have ever experienced in my 26 years on earth. I pulled back and realised maybe I should confirm what I was sensing. Holly was just stunned silent and I apologised for kissing her and basically told her she just had to shut up. She just looked at me shocked and stunned, but I could see in her eyes she wanted it as much as I did, so I leant in and kissed her again. My god I can not even begin to explain it, It was pure magic!

Suddenly I realised where we were and I was brought back down to earth with an almighty thump! I told Holly I had to go back to work and she nodded and smiled at me still clearly stunned at my actions! I left the room hoping to escape undetected, but as I left the room in a complete haze Oliver was there. I don't know what he said, but he noticed Holly leave. He said something about my friend from the lab and I snapped out of my funk, realised where I was and what he may suspect ,and told him the courier was sick and stormed off! I went and waited by the car and my head was spinning, I mean did that really just happen. My head was a mash of 'oh my god I just kissed a woman' and 'oh my god I just kissed Holly'... AND SHE KISSED ME BACK! My head was just all over the place and the confusion was unreal. Anyway I pulled myself together and told myself to forget about it for now. I could think about it all as soon as I clocked off work! I had to, or I would not of gotten through the rest of the day! Oliver got into the car and off we went back on patrol... Now I'm still confused about the conversation we then had but it was Oliver telling me about relationships and not being able to help who you fall in love with etc. I'm sure he was talking about him and Celery but I can't help thinking he was calling me out about Holly :-/ ...Anyway the little father-daughter talk got cut short when we got a call. An elderly guy had a cardiac arrest and his granddaughter, who was deaf had called us in. She was so scared bless her. I'm just so glad I took those sign language lessons 4 years ago. We went back to the station and Frank asked me to do some paperwork, and Oliver got sent back out as we had a lead on the possible I.D of the shooter. It was a guy who we had already dealt with a few months ago, we had questioned him over Christians kidnapping. Such a small world!

Oliver went back out to see if he could get anymore information and I don't know all the details about what happened but the jist of it was Oliver got kidnapped :-( No one had any idea whatsoever that anything had happened. It wasn't till a few hours later that people started to realise no one could get hold of him and his car was parked in the same location for ages! Well as you can imagine everything got mega intense, I mean the day was just turning into a complete nightmare. Officers from other divisions were even called in to aid us, I mean it was bedlam. There are massive parts of the day I cannot remember for love nor money it was such a blur. I had to stay focused on the job because every time I drifted off all I could think about was Holly. I was so torn it was unreal. On one hand I wanted to see Holly, to hold her to kiss her again, but on the other hand I wished that nothing had happened between us at all. Hard to believe right? It's true. As much as I loved her and craved her I needed to forget her for a while and put my mind elsewhere, on my missing colleague whom I cared about a great deal because he is an exceptional guy, and on finding the guy that shot Chloe and put her in hospital in grave danger!

The seconds, minutes and hours passed by slowly and gradually we gathered more and more vital information. Eventually we got our breakthrough, they had located Oliver. We were going to find him, bring him back to us safe and sound. Suddenly we all went into Army mode! We were determined to get Oliver and get the guy who had turned everyone's lives upside down in the space of 6 hours! I was getting my gear together with Chris and Steve when Holly showed up again. Now I have to admit as soon as I saw her I was pissed, because my priority was my job at that very moment in time and I was angry that Holly just decided, without any thought or consideration, to come and distract me! I was annoyed and I blew her off! I didn't want or need her there at that time! (Now I know I was harsh and I didn't mean to be so cold and heartless towards her, but I've since explained my reasons to her and she understands why I reacted in the way I did). Anyway we all march out of the station with only focus in our eyes. We ended up at an old church and with help from the E.T.F unit we managed to find Oliver, stunned and shaken but thank god he was o.k. The guy who had kidnapped him was nowhere to be found and we were gutted. But this guy, Kevin Ford turned out to be a clever son of a bitch and he was not finished with us all yet. While we were out looking for Oliver he had made his way back to 15. I wasn't there, I was on my way to the hospital with Oliver, but Ford got into the station wearing Oliver's uniform and all shit broke loose. Ford shot Sam, and Nick killed Ford. From what I've heard it happened in seconds.

Next thing I remember is being in the hospital waiting room. At this point we had Chloe in intensive care, Sam having the bullet removed and Oliver battered and bruised. It was a complete nightmare. I looked around and everyone was there, weak and sad and at the very moment in time all I wanted was Holly. You can imagine my relief and joy when she appeared out of nowhere (she does that a lot, I'm sure she's friends with Dynamo) right in front of me. I just grabbed her and held her so tight. I was so glad she was there and I told her. Steve and Chris were standing with me and I realised I had to introduce Holly to them, mainly because when I saw her I called her baby! They didn't say anything and I'm glad though cause to be fair it wasn't the right time for the 'Gail show'. Holly sat with me the whole time. I held her hand so tight I didn't want her to go anywhere! Eventually after hours of waiting we were all told to go home. It had been a long day. Holly was amazing, she took me back to her's. I have so much respect for this woman its unreal because she just sat and held me all night why I cried silently. She only let me go when she made me drinks and food, but other than that she was there right where I needed her to be, with me.

The week after was all a blur. It all consisted of double shifts, hospital visits and trying to get sleep. I have to admit that it was hard. I'd finish my shifts, go home and crash. Dov has been at the hospital holding an 'outside of room bedside vigil' for Chloe. (Oh I didn't tell you did I Chloe is married!) :-O I know I didn't expect that either. And also I think her husband is a complete knob-job! He wouldn't allow her operation, he won't let Dov see Chloe. He won't let any of us see Chloe! She has some explaining to do when she wakes up thats for sure! Oliver was allowed home after a few days in the hospital, he seems ok but I know Oliver he likes to be tough. I think Celery is seeing through all that though ha ha. Sam's operation was a success but he's gonna be in hospital for a few more weeks. McNally has practically moved into the hospital. Nick hasn't really said much to anyone but you can tell he's hurting, I actually feel sorry for him but I guess karma is a fkn bitch!

And Holly? Well I haven't really seen her because of everything that's gone it. Its horrible. I miss her so much. We text and talk on the phone and I've seen her twice at the lab, but it's hard when I can only go there for work related reasons. But its nice to know that she is missing me just as much. If you had said to me two weeks ago your dreams and worst nightmares would all come true I would have laughed. Work will slowly get back to normal, I hope and Holly...well I know that I'm not letting Holly go anywhere for a very very long time. I'm actually seeing her tonight. We gonna watch a film and have a take-away. Ha ha you know it's our first proper evening together since I kissed her. Our first evening together as a...couple :-) Oh god I can't believe it Holly is my girlfriend :-D Oh wow, are you seeing what I'm seeing, fuck, its there in black and white.

HOLLY IS MY GIRLFRIEND!

I know that tonight I can temporarily forget about everything else and have a few hours of pure happiness with the woman I love,... my Holly,... my girlfriend! And don't worry I will keep you updated on the latest 'relationship developments' ha ha .

I told you no one else would ever be good enough for Holly! Because no one else is me, and no one else could ever love her as much as I do! Tell the truth though I don't think Holly will ever love anyone else as much as she loves me ;-)... Oh shit look at the time, I'm gonna be late, ha ha god don't wanna be having a domestic already I better go...my lady awaits me. Catch ya in a few days...


	9. Chapter 9

Hellloooo! Sorry for the absence, work, life, work, work, work! Hopefully my delay has not allowed you to forget me and my crazy mind! Hopefully the updates will be at a more frequent pace again, so as always enjoy :-)

Hay there, long time no speak...or write in my case. Kinda been unable to actually! It's a bit hard when your arm and wrist are wrapped in a cast and strapping! And I'm right-handed and ta da fucked my right arm/wrist yay go me! If I'm honest the time away from everything has kinda come at the right time. As I was unable to work due to my injury and had nowhere to go (cause me and Holly broke up) I decided to go down south for a few weeks. Been in New Orléans. I know right talk about road trip! O.k well obviously I didn't drive because well I couldn't, I got some bloke to fly me :-)...O.K I had to pay him and it was kinda his job but Captain... (shit what was his name?) :-/ Well he flew me there and Captain... (no idea) flew me back and to be honest I'd quite like Captain (shit what was his name) to fly me straight back, because I've been home 4 hours and I'm pissed off already! The apartment is a cack-hole! I mean I know I live with 2 blokes, but seriously?! It's like a fkn farmyard! And I don't know what that smell is but Chris better find it and get rid of it because it's making me heave! Dov is doing his best dopey 'teenage boy falls in love for the first time' routine and that also is making me heave! I didn't take my phone with me because, well I didn't wanna be hassled so I've got like 45 missed calls...30 of them from my mother!, 28 voice mails and 56 text messages. I started deleting the texts but got pissed off after a while cause every time I deleted one a new one came through, so yeah that can fuck off!

NO! before you ask no calls or messages from Holly thank god!...

ACTUALLY I'm rather pissed off at that as well! I mean I know we broke up and all but she could of shown a little bit of worry to make sure I was O.K!? She fkn cried her eyes out when I broke my fkn arm! I mean Jeez all I did was fall down a marble staircase!

O.K I should probably tell you what happened. I was with Nick (yay the joy) We got a call out for a robbery. Some big arse posh snob jobs house was getting burgled so me and Nick attend. We search this house and can't find no one, then I hear a bang from upstairs. I said to Nick 'I thought you checked up there' to which he replied 'Yeah I did, it was clear'! Then there's another bang and we both bolt upstairs to the top floor. I go into the first room and Nick into the second. All of a sudden I hear a smash and Nick yell my name. I step out the room just as this kid flies past. I reach out and grab his jacket. He turned and punched me in the face but somehow I'm still holding on to him. He's all like tugging and yanking and we end up against the bannister kinda scuffling and fighting. I'm yelling for Nick but he don't reply and he don't come! Anyway this kid then boots me in the shin and oh my god, it fkn hurt! I let go he pushes me over and hurdles over the bannister! I get up and look down and he's laying on the next landing! I'm thinking great he's splattered himself. Nick is still nowhere and I'm fed up of hearing his name let alone calling it out so I slowly make my way down the stairs to the kid. He wasn't moving! It's all marble! So I get down to check his pulse and as I touch him he grabs my arm with one hand and punches me again with the other, which I was not expecting. He gets up, but can't stand cause soppy twat broke his ankle! I get up to grab him but despite the fact he must have been in a lot of bloody pain his strength was immense and were like scuffling again at the top of the stairs. He's all 'one leg hobble cause my ankle is broke' and I'm 'blind in one eye cause I've got a Shiner'! Just when I think I've got it under control, Nick appears, I lose my grip and the kid pushes me down the stairs! I put my arm out to stop myself smashing my face in (Cause it's all marble)! so all my weight is on my right arm/wrist and crack! OH MY GOD painful!? I heard so many clicks and cracks I thought I'd broken every bone in my body! So I end up kinda holding my arm and rolling down the staircase screaming in pain and the kid just scoot's past me on his arse :-/ Next thing I see is Nick just jump on this kid and drag him down the rest of the stairs. Yes there was three of us rolling and tumbling down a marble staircase screaming and yelling! Anyway by the time back up and help arrived, I'd practically passed out from the pain, the kid had passed out from the pain and Nick had more blood on his head/face/hand and clothes than I think he had circulating his body. Turns out the kid had smashed him over the head with a 'small' marble statue! I mean really how much marble did these ppl need! More money then sense comes to mind!

I now officially hate marble!

So next thing I'm at the hospital, I wake up Holly is there holding my 'free hand' crying her eyes out clearly glad that I woke up and my right arm was kind of hanging on some rope thing wrapped in some big arse plaster cast and some funky strapping like thing round the cast on my wrists and my fingers :-/ I know right 'weird'. After about 8 days of observation and tests blah blah blah they say I can go home providing there was someone available to 'look after me'...(Yeah we are thinking the same thing!) Anyway so I end up at Holly's and she takes the next week off work because well she has like a year stored up of untaken leave! Now the first few days were ok, but I get annoyed easy when I can't do things myself and I know Holly was caring and kind and looking after me because that's who she is and she loves me... well lovED me... but it got too much. It's not me, I'm an independent woman. I can look after myself!... Basically I went to the kitchen to make a drink and dropped the glass, Holly came rushing in fussing and giving the whole 'Oh my god Gail are you O.K, don't move there's broken glass'...

I flipped! I completely lost it. I said some pretty horrible mean and nasty things to her. I told her I didn't need her, I told her I didn't wanna be there, that I wanted to go home. I was so angry and mad, not at her, at myself for being rendered incapable and I took it out on Holly. I know your thinking well Holly would have understood that, she's kind she wouldn't kick you out over that?! Right?! :-/

Yeah erm I kinda told her that...er well...I said 'Get your dirty lesbian hands off of me you freak'

I also said 'Experiment over, not for me, but thanks for the fun' :-(...

Then I left.

I haven't heard from her since and to be honest I don't think I will. That's why I went New Orléans. I couldn't be here...I can't be here if Holly isn't here with me :-( I miss her. I do. I miss her so fkn much. I spent 99% of my time away crying. That's why I didn't take my phone because I knew I would text and call her, and I know that even if I did do that Holly wouldn't respond. Why would she. I was a bitch to her. Kind sweet Holly who was looking after me. Holly who I wanted to look after me. I fucked it up well and truly :-(

Ha ha oh god, sorry just read back my previous entries. Wow after all that who would have thought 9 weeks later we'd be having this conversation? I guess now I'm kinda screwed really. Most ppl knew about me and Holly and I got so much support, and now Holly is gone so do I date girls from now on or go back to guys?! :-/

Don't answer that. I don't actually wanna date anyone...I want Holly back, but let's be honest that's never gonna happen in a million years! I feel empty, like nothing matters anymore. I've gone from being on cloud 9, totally in love with an amazing woman to... bottom of the shit heap still totally in love with an amazing woman...but without the amazing woman. She has probably forgotten all about me already, I don't blame her, I would. Maybe I'm not supposed to be happy and safe in a loving relationship, I mean look at my history. My track record speaks for itself really. What on earth made me think I could be happy long-term with Holly. Is that what they call pipe dreams?! I am the biggest relationship fuck up in the history of well relationship fuck up's!

Maybe in time this hurt will fade away and my heart with start beating again...but to be honest I don't think I want it too.

I need to go take my meds now and I'm starving, bet there ain't any cheese puffs! Now that will annoy me! Til next time...

Oh the worst thing about this whole fkd up mess. The day I broke my arm and wrist, I'd booked a hotel room at the Hilton for me and Holly! I was gonna completely 100% give myself to her...


	10. Chapter 10

Hay me again. I'm so bored and fed up with this stupid cast now! Hopefully it should be removed in a few weeks! Though if I'm honest the Stanley knife in Chris' toolbox is glowing brighter and brighter each passing day! So basically I spend my days sitting watching boring daytime tv or killing things on the X-BOX! I swear the people who do the TV schedule have the most boring job in the history of boring jobs! I watched the same episode of C.S.I two days in a row! I wouldn't mind but there are like 15+ odd eps a season! Plenty to choose from!

What else have I done? O.K erm well I went out the other day into town, cause I needed to stock up my 'junk food' stash and I needed toothpaste, not that I need it anymore, not like I've got anyone to snog! :-( Anyway... I saw Holly. No before you get excited I didn't talk to her, she didn't see me, probably because she was too busy drooling over the woman she was having coffee with :-( Yes I tell no lies, Holly was having a happy fun lunch date with someone who wasn't me. I'm not gonna deny it but my god it felt like someone rammed a barge-pole into my stomach. I thought I was gonna throw up. I'm surprised she didn't see me, I was kinda embarrassingly pressed up against the window of the coffee shop just staring at them both, not because I'm a freak! Mainly because I couldn't actually believe what I was seeing. It was horrible!

So um then I moved over the road to another coffee shop and sat in the window so I could see across the road and I text Holly :-/

Yeah I said:

**_'You look good, I hope she makes you happy'_**

I know I know, it was stupid and I should not of text it. She didn't reply but...within 5 secs of the message being delivered she was out the front of the coffee shop searching up and down the street, I guess to see if she could find me. That was sweet if it had been out of concern, but I'm glad I was hidden because I wouldn't blame her if she had wanted to smash my face in. I sat watching her across the street and she looked almost disappointed she couldn't find me. My heart was telling me to show myself to her but my head said stay where you are! I waited until they left which was about 10mins later. Holly was still looking up and down the road whilst saying goodbye to the other woman. They hugged and Holly kissed her on the cheek. That tugged a bit. Seeing my Holly hug and kiss someone else :-(

I waited a while before I left the coffee hut making sure there was no chance I would bump into Holly, although deep down that's totally what I wanted to happen. I got home and when I checked my phone Holly had text me. Not much but it said:

**_'Stalking is a criminal offence'_**

She thinks I'm stalking her. I didn't message her back, what do you say to that anyway?! And let's be realistic if I was gonna stalk her I know where she lives, surely I would go there! :-/

I keep writing her texts but instead of sending them I delete them and put my phone away. And I ponder over her number to call but never do. God I never would have reacted this way before, I would have been like fine sod you, and moved on. Why can't I do that with Holly. It's done, it's over but for some unknown reason I'm not willing to let go, its like I just can't. I just don't know what to do to get her back. I have never fought for anyone in my life and I'm scared at the prospect that she will tell me she hates me and never want's anything to do with me ever again. I even googled it! Yes laugh at me, I googled how to win back the love of your life :-/ It was really daft and pointless but I'm gonna share with you the brilliant advice 'Mr Google' gave me!

Here are the 5 steps to win back the love of your life:

**1: Find a replacement to make your ex jealous.**

**2: Whenever you see your ex always have a smile on your face.**

**3: Don't answer their calls, delete them from MySpace, Facebook, show them you mean business**

**4: You can just show that person that you can be the person they were looking for.**

**5: Remember a guy that you have been with for a long time is bound to come back, even if it's only once.**

O.k now tell me if I'm dumb or stupid but really, do they seriously think this stuff works!? Here is my problem to each solution!

**1: There is no way I want to go out and find another woman just to make Holly jealous! Because Holly is the only woman I want!**

**2: I am nowhere near brave enough to be in the same space as her right now for fear of what she may do to me!**

**3: Well Holly hasn't text or called me since I walked out (apart from accusing me of stalking her) so don't think we need worry about that one!**

**4: How the hell do I show her that I love her, and want to spend the rest of my life with her if she hates me, we don't talk and I hide when I see her?!**

**5: I haven't been with her long enough to give her reason to want to come back!**

:-( so basically all google has shown me is what I already know...I'm well and truly screwed!

I guess I could just be brave and go see her, accept anything she has to throw at me (including punches), not say a word until she has said what she needs to and then I will know if it's worth me fighting for her?! Or I could just carry on sitting here moping around on my own, missing her like fkn crazy, feeling my heart-break a bit more every second and cry continuously all day long?!

Argh I really don't know what to do...OMG! I've probably just had the most crazy insane idea I'm ever gonna have in my entire life! :-O Wait right there, I am gonna be right back!

O.k so I'm back, wow that only took me half an hour! :-/

Hmmmm O.K so I have officially gone mad, and now I think about what I have just done I am so gonna be put in a madhouse! I erm just popped to the local sweet shop and photocopied this entire diary :-/...Yeah no not for safe keeping!... I er then proceeded to take said photocopies to Holly's and put them in her mailbox :-O...

I KNOW I KNOW you don't have to shout at me I'M AN IDIOT! You think I don't realise that now?! Oh god what was I thinking?! Like really Holly is gonna read it and come straight over here, throw her arms around me and declare her undying love for me?! I don't think so! More like I'm gonna get a knock at the door from my collegues at 15 with a restraining order!

Hay look I'm still on meds, I have no control over my crazy mind right now, its the pills they making me take, they are making me do crazy stupid things!...Yeah thats what I will tell the cops when they knock on my door to take me away!

:-O...OH SHIT! THERE IS SOMEONE AT THE DOOR! :-O

BRB...

:-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O :-O

IT WAS HOLLY! ACTUALLY SHE IS HERE NOW :-O :-O :-O :-O

Hi diary, Holly here. I would like to apologise on behalf of the mentally insane woman who has taken up far too much time scribbling all this complete nonsense for the past 5 months. I assure you had I been aware of just how fragile and unwell she was, I personally would have put a stop to this a long time ago! I would also like to state that had I been aware of this information earlier you would not have had to go through all this constant rambling. I would like to make it clear that I am not confiscating this diary from Ms Peck as I think it is a very good outlet for her deepest thoughts and feelings (no matter how strange and insane they make her sound) but I hope that she can change her ways slightly so as to not only share important feelings with just you, meaning that if there is any chance that Gail will ever get back into my good books and have my complete attention as her girlfriend again she is going to have to tell me these things verbally, because I'm never going to know anything that get's written in this diary ever again. I'm sure Gail will keep you updated on the progress of trying to rebuild our relationship if we can do that at all. It is not going to be easy and Gail has a lot of hardwork ahead of her just for me to even forgive her but in showing me this diary she has shown me the side of her that is private to her and I'm grateful for that. Anyway me and Gail need to have a very long hard talk now. You will hear all about it I'm sure. Yours Holly x

:-/ And she says I ramble! Damn her messy handwriting! Now it looks like a kids school workbook!...

Right guess I'd better do this, wish me luck...


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